pen & brush: DOROTHY PARKER

Remembering a witty writer

I first came to know about Dorothy Parker when I went to study in Madras Christian College. Four or five students there were avid admirers of the witty lady’s writings.

They introduced me to a line which seemed to amuse them no end. “Men seldom make passes / at girls who wear glasses.” I found that in our college some girls who wore glasses were very popular with the boys. The college heart-throb was a girl called Sumitra who wore square glasses with a thin black frame.

Anyway I started reading Dorothy Parker’s writings which were found in anthologies available at the USIS library. Her output had been very meagre, but this slender contribution had won her fame and respect among top writers and critics of the day. She and a few other writers met regularly in the Algonquin Hotel (New York) for dinner. This group came to be known as the Algonquin Club and they were quoted in chat columns of the day frequently. The bon mots and one-liners of this group became well known all over America and perhaps the English-speaking world.

Put-downs

Dorothy Parker particularly excelled in the put-down, a remark meant to make fun of someone. Talking about a society lady she said: “She is always very nice to her inferiors – whenever she can find them.” As you can see the sting is in the tail, a characteristic of all Dorothy Parker remarks.

Talking about a very popular writer of the day, she said, “Somerset Maugham – that old lady is a crashing bore.” This remark was not in reference to his writing but about his social behaviour. And about a much married and divorced socialite: “She broke a leg while visiting London, probably sliding down a barrister.”

President Calvin Coolidge was a man of few words. He also slept a good deal, by day as well as night and was the reverse of animated. When he died after completing his term of office, Dorothy Parker on being told of his death asked “How can they tell?”

A glamorous Hollywood actress and Dorothy Parker happened to come to the door of a Hall at the same time. The actress gestured to Ms. Parker to precede her, saying “Age before beauty”. Dorothy Parker tossed her head disdainfully and walked ahead saying, “Pearls before swine”.

Fun till the last

One of the leading columns in America at that time was Franklin P.Adams’ “The Conning Tower”. This column gave a lot of importance to puns and wit, especially the wisecrack. And so this column quoted Dorothy Parker quite often. Every year Mr.Adams gave a dinner to all people featured in his column and presented a gold watch to the one who had been quoted most often. Needless to say, Dorothy Parker won the watch with ease. And everywhere the talk was about “Did you hear what Dorothy Parker said today?” Inevitably things she never said were attributed to her.

She spoke deprecatingly about herself but always with humour. “I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.” And then about her love life: “I require only three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.” “It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.”

Though she made others laugh Ms. Parker wasn’t fully satisfied with her life. She thought of suicide, but fortunately her sense of humour swamped this thought. This is what she wrote about suicide:

“Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren’t lawful; Nooses give;

Gas smells awful; You might as well live.”

She lived to a ripe old age splitting the sides of the world with laughter.

J.VASANTHAN (e-mail: jvasanthan@sancharnet.in)